On June 19, 2020, I married a man I wholeheartedly believe my late husband prepared for me. Gosh, that’s such a weird statement. But it’s true. Darian loves me exactly how my heart needs to be loved right now. He’s also so perfectly himself that he makes me laugh and smile by just being… him. My husband. My “chapter two.” Widows who remarry often refer to their second husband as “chapter two.” I feel I’ve lived so many lives (and written so many chapters), and there’s no way

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Isaiah 61:3 I thought I understood that bible verse. Beauty for ashes. It meant getting accepted into my top school after spending the previous year being rejected from all others. It meant getting a paid reporter job after years of unpaid internships. It meant a beautiful engagement ring on the day of my 30th birthday. It mean

…because it happened & it was one of the best days of my life. Eight years ago, Rasheed officially took my hand, and before God, our families & friends, he asked to hold my heart. We had countless good days, some meh ones & one devastating one, but he loved me through them all & did his best to calm my crazy & keep a smile on my face. {Trust. I know it was hard work} Rasheed, I know it won’t make sense to most, but I finally forgive you for being taken away from me. My head a

{Never Not} “A heart that is broke is a heart that’s been loved.” -Ed Sheehan. April 16, 2016. Three years ago today my world ended. It was the one time you left without hugging me, and the wink you gave me before you closed the door that night would be our last. No matter how hard I try, the weeks leading up to this day are the most difficult. I have no energy or drive. The ‘fog’ returns and the sadness grows so heavy it’s difficult to remember my name or even breathe. Howev

March is a month full of birthdays for me. My mom, grandma, brother, father-in-law, cousins, close friends, and my husband, Rasheed, are all born during this month. The only problem is Rasheed is no longer with us physically, but how do you tell that to your heart? This year marks Rasheed’s third up above, and our third without him. These big days don’t seem to get any easier without him, but I am learning how to navigate this winding road through Grieftown. “I mean, they say

I honestly believe God gives us more than we can handle so we must lean on Him. Two Christmases ago I was a young widow struggling to find her way. I had just moved back to my parents’ home & my sister wanted us to take family pictures. I look at the photos of me in the gray & see the struggle in my eyes & heartache on my hips. In Rasheed’s last two years on this planet I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was frustrated with my weight, but that man loved me even more then &

“Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the

No matter how much my head tries to prepare for the day, my heart knows what it means and feels the full weight. April 16, 2016. Two years ago everything changed. Two years ago today three cars took me from a wife to a widow. Two years ago today I left the movies with my husband and ended that typical Saturday with the need to bury that beautiful man a week later. The lights. The crowd. The trooper walking me to the backseat of the cruiser. “Ma’am, I’m sorry…” I didn’t unders

Balloons, cake, laughter and love. They are elements typically required to celebrate a birthday. Last year I incorporated all of those into my husband’s 40th heavenly birthday party. Yup. I threw Rasheed a party nearly a year after he had passed away. I mainly did it because that man never wanted me to make a big fuss over him, but a few days after his 39th birthday (and a few weeks before he was killed) he agreed to allow me to throw him a big 40th celebration where he could

Sometimes I give myself permission to just… be. No smiles. No sparkle. To breathe deeply through the good moments and the bad. To love hard because that’s all this life is about. To fiercely protect my family from the fools of this world and my own inner child, as well, because we all need a warrior, and baby, I’m up to the task. 2017 wasn’t easy, but I’m grateful for the growth it brought me. I can start to see the light that permeated even the mundane moments we shared when

“Mom, can I have fries with my shawarma?” My American experience is unique. Born in Houston, my parents moved me to the Middle East when I was four years old. My dad’s job transferred him. The move changed our lives. It wasn’t just the food we ate, the roads we traveled or even the fact my mom could no longer drive those roads because women weren’t allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. That move opened my eyes to opportunities. My world literally became bigger. Summer trips to Pa

I desperately wish I could go back in time. To the days when we texted stupid things throughout the day. To the days when I yelled at you for staying in the gym too long. To the days when you, me and Lola spent all day inside on a Saturday eating pizza for all our meals because we were too lazy to go to the grocery store. I’ll even take most April 16, 2016. It started off simply, sweetly and normally enough. Lazy morning in bed, pancake breakfast at the clubhouse and then an

A year ago today, my earthly angel became my heavenly angel. Rasheed, we all miss you more than most can comprehend. Until I hold you in my arms again. Forever Yours, KW Rasheed Amin Wiggins March 24, 1977 – April 16, 2016 #widow #griefandloss #loveofmylife #missinghim #grief #marriage #hope #love #loss #sadness #healing

This Sunday will mark exactly one year since my earthly angel became my heavenly one. A few weeks ago, Rasheed and my closest friends & family gathered at my parents’ home for what would have been his 40th birthday. This picture was taken that weekend. It was a beautiful time, and I’ll share more later. This week, I’m trying to reflect on my growth; How I’m learning to grow where I’m planted– even though I often wish God would have “plucked” me, too, that April 16th. There’s

Sometimes it hits you hard & fast. You get a glimpse of your old self– your old smile, your old worries, your old life. You remember what it was like to look forward to him returning from work; him bringing you flowers; him loving you — live & in person. The pictures & the memories help, but sometimes, sometimes you just want your husband to hold you. It may seem like torture, but I posted this one on my fridge because it reminds me of how happy I once was, and forces me to t

It’s where you feel safe, warm and happy. It’s where your loved ones come to visit, and you lounge in your pj’s all day, eating food that makes you smile from your gut while sharing laughs with those who know you the best. It’s where you snuggle on the couch with your special one and enjoy bad tv and good blankets. Last month I bought our first one. But you weren’t there to sign on the other dotted line. You weren’t there to calm me down when the invasive process became overw

Oh, 2016, I hate you. I normally reserve such hateful language for.. well… never. But I think it’s safe to say I’m okay with this one. I desperately need you to end. But I’m simultaneously scared to see you go. I need to keep the good memories; just help force the horrific ones to die. …die die die die die die die. Man, I hate that word, too. Why do bad things seem to live forever? Our last moments. I need to forget them. However, I don’t think those memories will ever die. T

This was originally posted on the Huffington Post on December 5, 2016. I’m a young widow. The word stinks, but it’s honestly the best way to simply describe my situation. Everything is so confusing now. My brain can’t comprehend the tense I’m living in. He was… but I am.. even though I wish I wasn’t. During my recent pilgrimage to India to visit a town full of thousands of widows, I sported a homemade sweatshirt with the words “Still His” displayed across my chest. Most loved

I wish I had words that could eloquently sum up how it feels to mark six months without my husband. I don’t. Just a video full of raw emotion. Please don’t judge my tears, my anger, my pain or my grief. And if you’re feeling a loss right alongside me, I extend my shaky hand to you and offer my deepest, heartfelt apology. This sucks. Man, I miss that man. #widow #grief #marriage #StillHis #hope #love #loss #sadness #healing

My life is currently a walking contradiction. I love going to sleep because that’s when it’s when I can rest from the pain. Yet I hate waking up because it means I’m another day further from you. However, the cool breeze that whipped around my cheeks when I walked Lola this morning signaled the seasons were changing. I’m ready. Kind of. This summer has been horrible. And a few days ago, my birthday snuck up on me. I knew it was coming. Obvi. I normally plan the year around my