{Never Not} “A heart that is broke is a heart that’s been loved.” -Ed Sheehan. April 16, 2016. Three years ago today my world ended. It was the one time you left without hugging me, and the wink you gave me before you closed the door that night would be our last. No matter how hard I try, the weeks leading up to this day are the most difficult. I have no energy or drive. The ‘fog’ returns and the sadness grows so heavy it’s difficult to remember my name or even breathe. Howev

March is a month full of birthdays for me. My mom, grandma, brother, father-in-law, cousins, close friends, and my husband, Rasheed, are all born during this month. The only problem is Rasheed is no longer with us physically, but how do you tell that to your heart? This year marks Rasheed’s third up above, and our third without him. These big days don’t seem to get any easier without him, but I am learning how to navigate this winding road through Grieftown. “I mean, they say

I honestly believe God gives us more than we can handle so we must lean on Him. Two Christmases ago I was a young widow struggling to find her way. I had just moved back to my parents’ home & my sister wanted us to take family pictures. I look at the photos of me in the gray & see the struggle in my eyes & heartache on my hips. In Rasheed’s last two years on this planet I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was frustrated with my weight, but that man loved me even more then &

“Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the

No matter how much my head tries to prepare for the day, my heart knows what it means and feels the full weight. April 16, 2016. Two years ago everything changed. Two years ago today three cars took me from a wife to a widow. Two years ago today I left the movies with my husband and ended that typical Saturday with the need to bury that beautiful man a week later. The lights. The crowd. The trooper walking me to the backseat of the cruiser. “Ma’am, I’m sorry…” I didn’t unders

Balloons, cake, laughter and love. They are elements typically required to celebrate a birthday. Last year I incorporated all of those into my husband’s 40th heavenly birthday party. Yup. I threw Rasheed a party nearly a year after he had passed away. I mainly did it because that man never wanted me to make a big fuss over him, but a few days after his 39th birthday (and a few weeks before he was killed) he agreed to allow me to throw him a big 40th celebration where he could

‘tis the season to reflect, right? I mean, this time of year, you can’t help but look back on what you accomplished, what you didn’t, and what you’d like to do in the new year. A recent conversation with my bff made me realize how much I’ve physically changed this year. A few weeks ago I had posted something random on social media. She asked if I was eating. I thought she meant at that moment because she was about to tell me something gross. She meant in general. To be honest

“Mom, can I have fries with my shawarma?” My American experience is unique. Born in Houston, my parents moved me to the Middle East when I was four years old. My dad’s job transferred him. The move changed our lives. It wasn’t just the food we ate, the roads we traveled or even the fact my mom could no longer drive those roads because women weren’t allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. That move opened my eyes to opportunities. My world literally became bigger. Summer trips to Pa

I desperately wish I could go back in time. To the days when we texted stupid things throughout the day. To the days when I yelled at you for staying in the gym too long. To the days when you, me and Lola spent all day inside on a Saturday eating pizza for all our meals because we were too lazy to go to the grocery store. I’ll even take most April 16, 2016. It started off simply, sweetly and normally enough. Lazy morning in bed, pancake breakfast at the clubhouse and then an

A year ago today, my earthly angel became my heavenly angel. Rasheed, we all miss you more than most can comprehend. Until I hold you in my arms again. Forever Yours, KW Rasheed Amin Wiggins March 24, 1977 – April 16, 2016 #widow #griefandloss #loveofmylife #missinghim #grief #marriage #hope #love #loss #sadness #healing

This Sunday will mark exactly one year since my earthly angel became my heavenly one. A few weeks ago, Rasheed and my closest friends & family gathered at my parents’ home for what would have been his 40th birthday. This picture was taken that weekend. It was a beautiful time, and I’ll share more later. This week, I’m trying to reflect on my growth; How I’m learning to grow where I’m planted– even though I often wish God would have “plucked” me, too, that April 16th. There’s

Sometimes it hits you hard & fast. You get a glimpse of your old self– your old smile, your old worries, your old life. You remember what it was like to look forward to him returning from work; him bringing you flowers; him loving you — live & in person. The pictures & the memories help, but sometimes, sometimes you just want your husband to hold you. It may seem like torture, but I posted this one on my fridge because it reminds me of how happy I once was, and forces me to t